Through The Eyes Of Measha Lea

only been awake almost 2 hours

I woke up early, crabby to find I had many tree branches on my car. Then thankfully a lovely neighbor helped my roomies and I move them. Then I felt better reading that my Assistive Technology teacher loved my paper on Cerebral Palsy. Then I walk to my meeting about my mid program review with my advisor only to find he canceled his office hours. So I’m sitting in the art building waiting to start my 6 hours of classes.

oh and there is like a foot of snow on the ground.

Today keeps flip flopping from good to annoying haha wonder what the rest of the day will consist of.

All my role models are leaving my life. People are always dying in my life. I dread the day my dad dies for I fear it is soon. My friends and I will soon be separated by the real world of graduating college and many will be married and many my age have kids. I feel I am at an odd spot in life. I want to cling to college where friendships are, but growing up would be fun. It’s just I feel it’ll be more lonely. I’m afraid to be alone and independent and all my friends getting married to their boys and moving away and my parents dying. I hope I’m not alone forever.

Really miss my chats with Mrs. Bluem, ranting because I’m thinking of her and my comfort of being a child. Real life, I am not a child anymore and sooner or later everyone ends up alone at some point in life.

During random conversation about my dad helping my elderly neighbour he mentioned my other neighbour passing away. Apparently she passed last fall and he never told me. I would have loved to attend her funeral. She was like my grandma I never had (well nearby). She was definitely a role model and I would sit on her porch and talk with her and her husband about life as a child. I wanted to visit her so badly when I found out she was in an assisted care home due to her Alzheimer’s. I’m really sad actually writing this. I can’t believe I will never see her again and I can’t remember the last time I had, maybe a year ago waving from a distance as I left my parents home. Makes me realize I shouldn’t put off things like visiting with those who are important to me or have been in my life through my child to adulthood. I wish I could have seen her and went to be there for her at her assisted living home. She was a wonderful elderly lady and truly touched my heart.

Mrs. Bluem the Grandma I never had, I will miss you very much. Rest in Peace. And I am so sorry I didn’t see you sooner.